The Feedback You Keep Putting Off

Why feedback feels uncomfortable with a new team, and how to make it a normal part of how your team works.

You're a few weeks into leading a new team.

You've noticed some things.

The status update that said "on track" the day before the work turned out to be blocked. The pull request merged with review comments still open.

You know you need to say something. You haven't.

Part of that is time. A bigger part is trust. You don't know these people well yet, and they don't know you. Giving someone hard feedback before they trust you feels like a good way to start an argument.

So you wait until something forces the conversation.

Why they brace

When a new boss says, "Can I give you some feedback?", most people expect bad news. That's how our brains work. With layoffs across tech, people are already worried about their careers. And they don't know yet whether their new boss cares about them.

So they brace. They get defensive before you've said what it's about. The conversation you wanted to keep small turns into the argument you were trying to avoid.

How you give feedback can change that.

A 30-second method

The model I use is adapted from Mark Horstman, co-founder of Manager Tools and author of The Effective Manager. His work focuses on the practical, repeatable things managers do every week. It has four steps.

1. Ask. "Do you have 30 seconds for some feedback?" If it's not a good time, find a time later that day.

2. Describe the behavior. Only what you saw or heard.

3. Describe the impact. Connect it to what it means for the team or the work.

4. Tell them what you want going forward. If it went well, say, "Keep doing that." If it needs to change, ask for the change: "Next time, can you...?"

Here it is for that blocked status update:

"Can I share some feedback? In standup you said the task was on track, and later that day we found out it was blocked. When that happens, I can't give our stakeholders an accurate update. Going forward, if something is blocked, can you flag it in standup as soon as you know?"

That's it. Thirty seconds.

Two ground rules

Two ground rules keep this from turning into an argument.

First, feedback is about behavior, never personality. Labels like "careless" or "not proactive" describe the person, and people defend themselves against those. A behavior is something they can choose to repeat or change.

Second, feedback looks forward. You use the past as the example, and that's all.

Sometimes the person pushes back.

"That's not even what happened. Here's what actually happened."

Don't go down that road. You can say, "Great. Let's make sure it happens like that every time going forward." Or, "Maybe I don't have all the details right. Here's what I'd like to see next time."

You're giving them an out, so neither of you has to argue about the past. Being right about how it happened rarely matters. What matters is the right behavior next time, and every time after that.

Two kinds of feedback

Most people hear "feedback" and think of correction. That's only half of it.

Corrective feedback changes a behavior. Reinforcing feedback calls out something done well, so the person knows that's how you want it done going forward. Same four steps:

"Do you have 30 seconds for some feedback? When you flagged that risk in standup before the design review, it gave us time to adjust the plan. Keep doing that."

Give significantly more reinforcing feedback than corrective. It shows people what good looks like on your team. And it teaches them that feedback from you is quick, normal, and often good news.

Where to start with a new team

Before you start doling out feedback, explain to the whole team how you give it. Take ten minutes in a team meeting and say something like this:

"My goal is to help us be our very best as a team, and to help each of you be your very best. Feedback is one of the important tools for that. I want to share how I give it, so when it happens in the moment, it doesn't feel out of the blue."

Then walk them through the four steps and the two ground rules, and take their questions.

Doing this with the whole team matters. Otherwise, the first time you ask one person for 30 seconds of feedback, she's wondering whether she's the only one, and whether she should be worried.

For the first few weeks after that, give almost entirely reinforcing feedback. A lot of it. You're getting the team into the rhythm of hearing feedback from you. After a few weeks, corrective feedback lands inside a pattern people already know.

What if something can't wait? Then correct it, using the same method.

The guiding principle for those early weeks: your feedback should be overwhelmingly positive, so you'll let a few small things go uncorrected for now. If you hadn't started giving feedback at all, they would have gone uncorrected anyway.

Do the same with anyone who joins the team later.

Part of how the team gets better

Feedback works best inside a bigger idea you set for the team from the start: we help each other be our very best.

That shows up in teammates who support each other.

It shows up in a debriefs, where we learn from every event, even small ones.

And it shows up in individual feedback, given often, mostly positive, always pointed forward.

When your team sees feedback as part of how everyone keeps getting better, they stop bracing for it. And the feedback you've been putting off gets a lot easier to give.

Best,

Jeff

P.S. If there's feedback you know you need to give your new team, and you keep putting it off, let's talk. Book a Strategy Session and we'll look at where your team stands and how to build a feedback routine they won't brace against. You will meet directly with me. Here's a link to my calendar.