How to Give Feedback Without Conflict

The 30-Second Habit That Works

You just inherited a new team. Now, your new boss tells you they need to share some feedback with you. 

How are you feeling? What's your immediate reaction? 

Worried? 

Stressed? 

Defensive?

You might be scratching your head trying to figure out where you went wrong, what you messed up. 

Now, you know you need to share feedback with your new direct reports and you know they're feeling the exact same way. 

This whole issue of giving feedback is one of the most common topics that comes up in my discussions with tech industry managers who have inherited new teams. 

Today, I'm going to share with you a technique that makes giving feedback quick, easy, and non-confrontational. 

So why is it so hard to give feedback? Why is this the topic that comes up so frequently in my discussions with managers? 

Here are a few of the most common reasons:

• You're worried about the confrontation, the conflict. 

• You're too busy. You feel like you don't have time for this. 

• You feel like you need to get prepared in case it turns into an argument. 

• You're not sure of the best technique to use for giving feedback. 

Let's start by setting some ground rules for giving feedback. 

First, feedback is about behavior not personality. 

This is not a personal attack. This is about identifying behaviors that work well so that we can keep doing them, and identifying behavior that didn't work well so that we can stop or change that behavior.

Second, feedback is forward-looking. 

We don't really care about what happened in the past. 

We only care about what happens going forward. 

Third, feedback is both positive and negative. 

Because of negativity bias, in which one negative comment far outweighs multiple positive ones, we need to deliberately flood the system with positive reinforcement. 

I'm not talking about false cheerleading. I'm talking about specific, behavior-based, forward-looking, positive feedback. 

Aim for a ratio of at least three positive reinforcing pieces of feedback for every one negative, corrective comment. 

Fourth, keep it short, frequent, and early. 

30 seconds, tops.

Many times a day.

Do it right away. Don't wait. 

OK, here's the structure. You can deliver this in 30 seconds or less. Easily. 

Step one: Ask for permission. 

Make sure this is a good time. You're respecting the person and giving them some control over the situation. 

You can simply say something like, “Hey, do you have 30 seconds for a quick piece of feedback?”

And if they tell you that it's not a good time, then you honor that: "Sure no problem. What's a good time today for us to discuss it?”

You're not allowing the discussion to slip completely, but you're not forcing it on them at a time that really doesn't work. 

Step two: Describe the behavior, not a personality label. 

Say something like this: “When the stakeholder asked about the timeline, you didn’t answer and the thread went quiet.”

Not this: “You’re not proactive.”

Step three: Describe the impact, why it matters. 

Connect the dots between what they did and how it affects the team.

“When the thread goes quiet, the stakeholder loses confidence, and then they escalate, and that adds pressure to everyone.”

Step four: Encourage the right behavior going forward. 

“If a stakeholder asks about timeline and you’re not sure, can you say something like, ‘I’ll confirm and get back to you by 3pm,’ so they know it’s owned?”

Look, I know I'm simplifying it for the purposes of this newsletter format, but this is the formula. It's simple, it's short and easy to deliver, and it works very well. 

I want to leave you with a thought from Kim Scott's outstanding book, Radical Candor. 

Scott teaches that we want to both challenge directly and care personally for the individual. 

We're not pulling punches or being vague about what we're asking. 

But we're showing the person through our words and our behaviors that we genuinely care for them. Our intent is to help them be their very best. 

Your intent, frankly, matters as much as the technique. 

Wishing you the best! Reply and let me know how it’s going. 

Cheers, 
Jeff

P.S. If you’re a tech industry manager who has recently inherited a new team, let me help you steer clear of some common pitfalls. Grab my free, 5-day email course called: The 5 Mistakes Tech Managers Make When Taking on New Teams.